I’m not going to go into details, because most of you know already of the loss we’ve encountered. I don’t know how to fully describe what it is I’ve lost because it encompasses so much. Words just don’t even touch the raw emotion that surfaces during some of the most random times. Seeing a little girl, the way the sun looks, someone posting a picture, a lake or a beach, the boys mentioning… it all just is hard. It’s hard but also, I try anyway, to remember the blessing. I feel blessed to know the girls. I feel blessed to be accepted by such a wonderful family. My family has becomes so intertwined that it’s almost like the loss of family. Maybe it is like the loss of family.
I type this because I need to get it out, to just kind purge the feelings. I’m not the best writer, but I know certainly that writing it out can help one to heal, and I’m ready to try just about anything.
I had decided right after it happened to stop all my doula work. To just devote myself 100 percent to the present.. and I did. Not for long, because if you know me, you know that I must keep busy. I’m always moving. So that’s why I’m back. I need the focus. I need something that is worthwhile to focus on. I need to be *helping* others. I need to be moving forward.
During this time I will continue to heal, take steps forward, take steps backward. Stand still. I can’t promise that I’ll be cheery all the time. If you see me, or my boys, or my husband with a tear in our eyes and a distant stare, know it’s because we are thinking. Maybe we are experiencing a reminded memory. Maybe we are just hit with grief. Maybe we will smile because of something silly they did and it is a good tear.
All I ask right now, is love and patience. Prayers, love and patience.