Loss

I’m not going to go into details, because most of you know already of the loss we’ve encountered. I don’t know how to fully describe what it is I’ve lost because it encompasses so much. Words just don’t even touch the raw emotion that surfaces during some of the most random times. Seeing a little girl, the way the sun looks, someone posting a picture, a lake or a beach, the boys mentioning… it all just is hard. It’s hard but also, I try anyway, to remember the blessing. I feel blessed to know the girls. I feel blessed to be accepted by such a wonderful family. My family has becomes so intertwined that it’s almost like the loss of family. Maybe it is like the loss of family.

 

I type this because I need to get it out, to just kind purge the feelings. I’m not the best writer, but I know certainly that writing it out can help one to heal, and I’m ready to try just about anything.

 

I had decided right after it happened to stop all my doula work.  To just devote myself 100 percent to the present.. and I did. Not for long, because if you know me, you know that I must keep busy. I’m always moving. So that’s why I’m back. I need the focus. I need something that is worthwhile to focus on. I need to be *helping* others. I need to be moving forward.

 

During this time I will continue to heal, take steps forward, take steps backward. Stand still. I can’t promise that I’ll be cheery all the time. If you see me, or my boys, or my husband with a tear in our eyes and a distant stare, know it’s because we are thinking. Maybe we are experiencing a reminded memory. Maybe we are just hit with grief. Maybe we will smile because of something silly they did and it is a good tear.

 

All I ask right now, is love and patience. Prayers, love and patience.

Birthing From Within

Not a review, yet! I will be reviewing Birthing From Within once I finish it up 🙂 I got a wonderful deal on it at Goodwill. I’ve found a ton of great birth and lactation books there. I think a lot of moms must donate them after they are done having kiddos. If you are a birth junkie, I totally suggest checking out your local Goodwill for some great reads! Granted, often you have to check the publishing date to make sure you are getting the most up to date information, but hey! It’s cheap and even if it’s older you can still glean a bit of info!

How I spent a long road trip

I’m originally from Indiana. Every few months I make the long nine hour trip with the boys, and sometimes the dog, Because this time instead of listening to NPR and random radio stations, I decided to download a ton of podcasts about birth. It was great! I listened to a few interviews with Ina May Gaskin, some about how to choose a doula, doula techniques, vbacs, it was fantastic.  I will definitely search for great podcasts for future trips.

 

 

my birth story with max

My wonderful story of Max’s birth. I know I’m not the best writer, but it was important for me to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys, as the case may be) to explain how awesome his birth was. Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was a little scary. But it really changed my life. And that’s what birth is, life changing. Thanks Sacred Roots Birth Community for publishing my story.

 

 

I feel as if this story begins before the night I went to the hospital. My first child, Riley, who was born when I was only 19. I knew very little of birth. I knew very little of the world, really. I was induced on my due date because of… well… there was no reason. I didn’t have any idea what it even really meant. All I knew was that I was going to have a baby. I had a fast but incredibly intense pitocin induced birth. He came so fast that I was unable to have an epidural. This opened my eyes to the idea of what birth out of the norm could be like. I’m glad I felt it. It sparked an interest in birth. Fast forward to my second. I had read and read but was still not confident in my choices. I still thought that what the doctor said would go. I was induced for a second time. I went through that birth without an epidural as well, but I knew there had to be more. After discussion upon discussion, reading book after book, talking to mom after mom I knew that midwifery care was for me. I knew that I could have the birth experience that so many women had, where they felt empowered to birth.

I woke up out of dead sleep on Thursday, Thanksgiving, night. I was 37 weeks and 5 days with my third child, having had contractions for weeks on end. But this felt different…. [read more here]